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Murphy's Laws of
Locksmithing
by
John Bousquet
visit his
locksmith software site
An Irish bartender named Murphy is credited with a large and still
growing (despite his death) number of laws relating to the likelihood
of difficulties. Some think Murphy was a pessimist. True pessimists feel
he was unduly optimistic and fear that things are really much worse.
Here are a few of the laws that apply to Locksmithing.
- A broken lock will always work when
demonstrated for the locksmith.
- The lock will stop working the minute
the locksmith leaves.
- The only thing you didn't check for a
malfunction will be the source of the problem, but you won't
find it until you are called back.
- Whatever the customer has told you to
prepare for the service call will be wrong.
- A dropped part will always roll to the exact
geographic center of the largest available object for it to roll
under.
- The probability of the loss or breakage of
any part is directly proportional to the difficulty of getting a
replacement part.
- Irreplaceable parts will always break or
be lost, and at the worst possible time.
- Replaceable parts will only become
available after an important deadline has passed.
- Parts that are difficult to install will
freely fall out on their own.
- Parts that go in easily will be extremely
hard to remove, and removal will be necessary to accomplish the
needed repair.
- The part you will need will be the
irreplaceable part you threw away last week because there are no
more locks of that type around
- The number of customers that visit your shop
is inversely proportional to the number of employees you have to
wait on them.
- When your entire staff is available no
one will come.
- When you are there alone, everyone will
come and they will be impatient.
- The probability of an auto lockout varies
directly with the intensity of the rain.
- The length of time it takes to open any
vehicle varies directly with the intensity of the rain.
- The length of time it takes to open a
vehicle or pick a lock varies directly with the number of on-lookers
making fun of how long it takes you.
- The length of time it takes to open a
vehicle or pick a lock varies directly with the number of television
and movie characters your customer claims can do it in only a few
seconds. {There is a dispute as to whether it actually takes longer
or whether time just seems to drag when certain customers are
around}
- The number of witnesses available is
inversely proportional to the skill you demonstrate.
- There will never be anyone around to see
you do something brilliant.
- When you really screw up, you will get
network coverage with a 40 share.
- The probability of having someone closing a
safe and spinning the dial while you have the back of the lock off
will vary directly with the square of the number of people you tell
not to touch the safe while you get something out of the truck.
- The probability of having someone close
a safe and spinning the dial while you have the back of the lock
off will vary directly with the square of the number of
re-lockers that will be tripped.
- The more elaborate the precautions you
take the more likely they are to close a safe and spin the dial
while you have the back of the lock off. {Nothing is fool-proof
because fools are too ingenuous}
- The probability of arriving at the job site
without a needed tool or with the wrong hardware are directly
proportional with the square of the travel distance
- You will always have what you need when
the job is next to your shop.
- The lock will always be the wrong hand
and not field-reversible when the job is more than ½ hour
travel.
- Any written specification you have been
issued by the customer will be the old one that has since been
revised.
- Any lock finish or style that you have with
you will not match the rest of the hardware in the building.
- The harder it is to obtain matching
hardware, the more the customer will insist on an exact match.
- If you have an exact match the customer
will say " Matching isn't important, don't you have
anything cheaper?"
- When a customer has a large number of
specialty locks , that lock will require very expensive service and
pin kits.
- When you buy the kits, you only get to
use them one time, or you find that something you already have
can be used instead.
- When you don't buy the kits, nothing
else that you have will work instead, and you will have constant
problems that would have been avoided by buying the kits.
- By the time you finally buy the kits
your lost time will exceed the cost of the kits by ten fold.
Then your customer will go elsewhere.
- The harder you try to get to a call quickly,
the more other locksmiths will beat you to it and the less likely
you are to get paid for coming out.
- The more difficult the customer, the more
locksmiths he calls to come out.
- The more people they call, the less
likely you are to get paid.
- Major *** holes call every locksmith in
a hundred-mile radius.
- They only pay the first to show up and
complain about the price they have to pay, even though they were
quoted that price before they told you to come.
- No matter how low you bid the job there is
always an idiot out there willing to do it for less.
- The more you cut your price to get
business, the more likely you are to go out of business.
- The more you try to compete on a price
basis the lower your prices will go. Your income will follow.
- The bigger your yellow pages ad, the more
low-priced calls from non-repeat customers you will get.
- Increasing the ad size and cost
increases the percentage of low profit calls you get.
- The prize for beating out all other
locksmiths for the biggest, most expensive advertising in all
the different yellow pages books is bankruptcy
- The more you advertise that you have 24-hour
service the more security guards and insomniacs will call you in the
middle of the night with requests for price quotations.
- You will get angry calls from people who
stop by your shop at midnight and found you aren't there even
though you advertise 24-hour service.
- You will get calls after midnight from
people who saw your 24-hour service claim and want to have you
meet them at your shop immediately to cut one key on your 89
cent coupon special. {On this lost Leader you lose your mind and
your sleep.}
- Your best apprentice will quit and open a
shop across the street and cut your prices. The one who is
un-trainable will stay with you forever.
If you
decide to use this Murphy's Law for Locksmiths, please link to to the
author's page and give him credit.
LOCKED
OUT? Call 608-296-3848 or 608-697-0346 if no answer!
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